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When fear takes control

When I was just a little girl 
I was severely abused and molested.
And during that period of terror
I learned to put my fear before God.
I understand most situations of terror
which is why I can relate to your situations
and hardships. I want to tell you


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the pain won't last. How I recovered
is through an outlet given to me from God.
I started painting, creating, and writing.
Although I'm far from a literary person.
It helped me to get at a place of peace
during the abuse and after the abuse when
I suffered from ptsd.
I'm here to remind you that everything
will be okay. You will pull through.
Do not let your circumstances define you.
Instead let it work for you.
Get closer to God or I should say let
God draw you in to his loving arms even when you
feel that is impossible for a moment.

Don't let hatred define you as well.
Forgiveness is the key. I know your asking yourself
"but she doesn't truly understand my circumstances."

My childhood ended when I was four. By the time i was 6 years of age I was smacked with a ballpien hammer in my frontal lobe 50 times and i had to keep counting every blow outloud or I would have to do the painful experiance all over again. Which lead to a massive syst in my head that nearly killed me. I was beaten with a lead pipe in my back 25 at a time.
This is just two examples of my childhood that really went wrong. I even tied to commit suicide or cut myself believing all of it was my fault. In God's soverign timing i was free for a moment until other events happenned. But I take joy that I was free.

You are blessed and you didn't even know it.
Your charachter is changing through this. Don't be afraid; be bold. Make the decision that your enemy can not kill you only hurt your flesh. Forgive when it seems impossible, pain in time will heal and God heals all wounds, he cries when you cry, he is holding you up when you don't even feel it. He knows what you are Going through because He suffered your pain on the cross. He understands your wanting suicide.... imagine this for a moment. God endured even suicide for you. No one could truly kill him. He said he lays His own life down for us. He also understands the beatings because no one could recognize Him due through all of it. And because He concorred death itself, He became judge and punisher. Let Jesus help you through this difficult time through prayer and let Him fight for you. You are very special in His eyes. Instead of taking matters in your hands have courage to know that His retrebution is far worse to your abusers than any form of retaliation than what you can dream up.


YOU ARE WORTH IT
Here are a list of things you can do while your suffering. expressing yourself through art whether you are good at it or not helps by freeing your pain through a canvas or piece of paper.
If your left brain orientative write it all down. And keep writing.
Make friends with people that have been there or have experianced things that were far worse than you....
talk about it with anyone who would listen. And keep talking... don't stop.
For right brain oriented. Take some drama classes.
But more than anything Ask God to give you the strength to forgive.
There is something freeing about forgiving your tormentor. For you it can mean that they have no control over you anymore. I encourage you to have hope because that is what Jesus and the Holy Spirit will give you .... hope for something better... hope that whatever you are going through there is hope for a better tomorrow and not just that but there is a reason that you went through the enemies grasp. You have a purpose and a hope for a far better tomorrow. Take it one day at a time. And you will discover the pain goes away... but the healing comes from God and knowing that He really does love you. You are His child and through forgiveness theres nothing that the enemy can do to touch you in that conscious thought.
I will leave you with these scriptures:

We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance; character; and chararacter, hope.
Romans 5:3-4

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give unto you, not as the world gives it; give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled neither let it be afraid.
John 14:27

Just Breathe