who am I

artwork I did during covid

The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it abundantly.

John 10:10

This little snippet of my life started 15 years ago in a maternity home in California. I wasn’t pregnant but had a deep relationship with the owner and due to circumstances I wasn’t with my husband who was in Massachussett. When I was there I didn’t take my medicine the right way which lead me to become paranoid over everything. It was a terror that I’ve never experianced before; EVER! Over and over I saw nothing but the number six every where and had no clue of the meaning of numbers so I became very afraid and indicisive to the point where I would walk in a store and purchase things that didn’t start with a six or end with a six.

I did two things I should have never done

  1. I bought a book for the meaning of numbers from a biblical perspective.
  2. I read in the word. That I needed to forgive my enemies. Since I didn’t have an enemy that I could think of I forgave satan for hurting me.

I was so sure that after that forgiveness I blasphemed the Holy Spirit, where there is no forgiveness and without forgiveness, there was no chance of entering into heaven. I wept bitterly and looked to God to talk with me and comfort me. I noticed that while I was praying my head nodded yes when I asked a question and shook side-to-side to the answer of no on another question. So I believed it was God speaking to me but come to find out it was the enemy.

I prayed and prayed that God would not forsake me. My head nodded yes that I was forsaken. I felt like I was another Judas. One night while I was laying in bed I felt a presence enter my body. I didn’t understand what was happening so I asked my series of questions and came to the conclusion that I was the antichrist. !I panicked! I prayed and pleaded to Father God to choose another person. But the head shakes only confirmed that I was a traitor or one day would be.

I would open my Bible and searched the scriptures for hope. None was found only passage after passage of condemnation. Now that I knew biblical numbers I used chapters out of context. I chose only good numbers to read. Which also was wrong. And now I started to believe in the voice….my voice but not my voice. I thought God was talking to me. I started to find just the right scriptures to read based on numbers. Because after all God can speak through any form of language. Even more condemnation. I noticed that the scriptures to read based on numbers was on the right page only because anything left would lead me to more and more negativity and feeling forsaken. Didn’t help.

I stayed up every night because I didn’t want to miss the rapture. And when I dozed off from shear exhaustion, I woke up screaming and wailing asking God to please take me. I began to believe that everyone was possessed with a demon since the true Christians were raptured out of their body and all that remained was a shell for demons to live in. I thought everyone was trying to hurt me. I was terrified of God’s wrath on me so I pleaded with Him to reincarnate me into existence as a baby…. anything to get out of a doomsday event and hell. I prayed for the interpretation of numbers would cease when I realized it was witchcraft.

I asked the person who was speaking in my own voice “How am I the antichrist?” since no one knows me. Then came the dreaded thought… everyone can read your mind or what you say. Everyone can see what you do”. I wanted death… with no existence. I couldn’t bare the thought of this being true but thought that if I did everything right, God would accept me… Daily I became more and more confused. I would watch TV and I saw them making fun of me. I listened to the Christian radio, and every time I did, it was a recording,. Proving to me that everyone left.. It was just me and the demons left who were tormenting me in some way shape or form.

I saw a vision that I didn’t understand. It was a little blond haired girl sitting in front of identical twins holding an apple to her. She saw her parents standing a little far off and left the boy and their fruits to run towards them. Her daddy grabbed her tightly in His arms. I never saw their faces but I did see the two boys’ faces. So I immediately thought I was satan himself.

I soon landed myself into a mental institution. Everyone there believed they were gods and even a Jesus… they had the keys to hell. I didn’t know who to talk to. but thought they could here my thoughts. Which Jesus do I speak too? I went to every one of them claiming in their own way that they were God and so I begged them not to send me to hell. For some reason they hated me and said I was the antichrist. But I refused to believe it. I would see the news on the TV stating there was something crazy happening in the weather. Then they told me the number of tornatoes that hit the ground, and I interpreted the numbers. It was my fault all those people died. How did I get so far down this rat hole.

I prayed to the Lord Jesus to please give me relief . Send me back to where I lived a simple life, a confident Christian. He heard me and had mercy. He gave me the right combinations of medication.

They let me out of the hospital in 6 days. I went back to the maternity home and demanded that I go back home. I stayed there for a total of 6 months and left the first day of month 7. My husband never stopped praying for me and when I arrived home I felt somewhat better when I saw my family.

But then the meds stopped working on me and back to purgatory , the hospital, I stayed there for 6 months. But I wanted to be committed this time. I didn’t want to hurt more people espescially my husband and children. That didn’t happen. this time under an arsenal of meds I was almost back to normal.

Every morning I would cry. Then the Holy Spirit reminded me of a little children’s song that he pressed in my heart to write when I was 15. I’ll put in another post if anyone’s interested.

That vision of the twins bothered me but my heart was pressing to take notice of the girl. That little girl was me running to my Father’s arms where He held me tightly and I felt safe.

God gave me these med’s to help me and it did it’s job this time around. I’m on 35 pills a day. It’s been a long struggle these past 15 years where God is remolding me. He’s rewriting my story. He gave me a granddaughter. What other, if any, god would do that. Only One…. Jesus. Last week at church was a confirmation when I walked up to the alter for prayer, I asked them to remove the demons from their grasp on me and half the congregation stood up to pray for me. Each one telling me How much I mean to Jesus. That I’m His beloved child. I’m at peace now. I know I’m a child of the most High God. I’m not what lies satan has placed in me. The lies that had took it’s course are in my past. God is not angry with me. He will never leave me nor forsake me. There is a reason why I had to go through this but I’ll share it in another blog. I’m not sure, but I’ll pray about it. Today… I just want to live in today. To be wrapped in God’s love for me. To worship with songs accompanied by the radio to His mighty name every morning while listening to the birds chirping, praising God also. I can’t tell you enough about what God has done for me. How He brought me out of the pit of lions. How He held my hand all through it. Thank You Father God! Thank You Jesus! Thank You Holy Spirit! for rescuing a wretch like me. For allowing me to be your child and cleansing my crimson stain white as snow. Praise You Father for giving me supernatural peace and love. I don’t have to be afraid any longer. I am a lost sheep and God has found me.

See what great of love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! 1 John 3:1 niv